Too Stupid For A Title
by Silver Hornet
Summary: A very screwed up version of Julius Caesar. Staring William Shakespeare, Yoda, and the U.S. Marines.


It was early in the morning of March 15th. Antony was running to Caesar's house. He was supposed to be there fifteen minutes ago. He finally arrived and ran in the door. He saw Calpurnia walking and he ran over to her.  
  
"Hey! Caesar's wife! Where's Caesar?"  
  
"The same place he always is, ass. He and the others started without you."  
  
"No!" Antony started to cry as he fell to his knees. Calpurnia rolled her eyes and left. Soon, Antony stood up and went into a smoke filled room. He saw Caesar, Cassius, and Brutus sitting on the ground, smoking.  
  
"Yo! What up, man?" Cassius called out.  
  
"Why'd you guys start without me? You know I like to smoke pot with you guys." Antony was using his most whiny voice.  
  
"Antony, we always start without you," said Caesar. "You're always late and there is always plenty of weed left for you."  
  
Antony sat down with the others and took a joint from Brutus. They all sat around, smoking pot and talking.  
  
"We were supposed to do something today, right Cassius?" Brutus asked.  
  
"Oh, yes. What was that?"  
  
"I can't remember," said Brutus. "It probably isn't important."  
  
They all went back to smoking. Shakespeare entered the room and he was pissed. "Brutus! Cassius! You are supposed to be stabbing Caesar in the senate! Not smoking pot with him! And Antony! You should be plotting revenge! And where the hell is that fucking soothsayer?"  
  
At this point, Yoda enters the room. "Caesar, the ides of March you must beware."  
  
"Who the hell are you?" Shakespeare screamed at Yoda.  
  
"Yoda I am."  
  
"Where's the soothsayer?"  
  
"A day off the soothsayer wanted. His replacement, I am."  
  
"You're too short to be the soothsayer. And too damn green!"  
  
Yoda whacked Shakespeare with his walking stick and then went to where the guys were smoking. He took a joint, and joined them in their smoking.  
  
Shakespeare was walking around, screaming and yelling about how they were messing everything up. Calpurnia yelled at him to keep it down.  
  
Eventually, Octavius Caesar entered. "Hey! You guys smoked all the pot!"  
  
"My homies and me are high, man!" Cassius said.  
  
Brutus had passed out an hour earlier and Yoda was hitting him with his walking stick. When Octavius saw Brutus, he ran over to him. "My dear Brutus! What have these fiends done to you?"  
  
"Octavius? Is that your sweet voice I hear, or am I dreaming?"  
  
"Brutus! You live! I have missed you so much since we have last seen each other! I have thought about you every night when I was alone in bed!" Octavius began crying.  
  
"Everything will be fine. I'm here for you, baby."  
  
Shakespeare was really pissed now. "What the fuck do you think you're doing, Octavius? You can't be in love with Brutus! He was supposed to kill your uncle!"  
  
"How can you accuse my husband of such horrible things?" Octavius stood up and yelled at Shakespeare.  
  
"Brutus is not your husband! He's married to Portia!"  
  
Octavius turned and looked at Brutus in disbelief. "Is this crazy man speaking the truth? Are you married to a woman?"  
  
"Well, I, uh, in a strange kinda way, um, I guess you could say that – "  
  
"What! You said you loved me! You licked me in the ear and whispered those words to me in that beautiful voice of yours when we were alone that night!"  
  
Brutus ran to Octavius and kneeled down in front of him. "I meant it! I swear, I meant what I said! I love you, Octavius!"  
  
Octavius hugged Brutus and they began to make out. They went into a corner where no one could see them through the smoke.  
  
"Strange things, these Romans are," said Yoda.  
  
"Isn't that just beautiful? They're friends again," Antony said after the two lovers left.  
  
"Do you think they'll get married?" Caesar asked.  
  
"Of course they will," said Cassius. "Didn't you see the way they looked at each other?"  
  
"See that, I did not. But their moans, hear I do."  
  
Everyone grew quiet and they could hear Octavius and Brutus. Shakespeare became angry again. "You're ruining my play! Caesar is supposed to be dead! DEAD! Cassius, get your fucking knife and fucking kill Caesar right fucking now!"  
  
"You can't make him!" Antony shouted at Shakespeare.  
  
"Burn in hell you little bitch!" Shakespeare punched Antony. "You're not supposed to be here! Go talk about dogs of war! Now! And Caesar, you need to die!"  
  
"I'll do it tomorrow," said Caesar.  
  
"No, no, no, no, no! You must die on the ides of March! Today is the fucking ides of March! So go fucking die!"  
  
"I don't wanna," whined Antony.  
  
"Not you, bastard! Caesar must die!"  
  
No one did anything. Octavius and Brutus rejoined the group. They were holding hands and smiling at each other. "We have important news," said Brutus.  
  
"Brutus and I are getting married!" Octavius squealed like a little girl and showed everyone his ring.  
  
"Congratulations!" said Shakespeare, but he then remembered what was going on. "You can't get married! Since you idiots can't kill Caesar, I'll have someone who can do it!"  
  
Shakespeare pulled out a cell phone and made a phone call. He put it away and looked at his watch. "You have exactly two minutes and 27 seconds to live Caesar," he said with a satisfied smile.  
  
Two minutes later, a group of U.S. Marines charged in the room and fired their weapons. They killed Octavius.  
  
"Octavius! My love! How will I live with out you! I must drink this poison and join you in death!" Brutus drank some poison and died. A few seconds later, Octavius sat up and saw the body of his lover.  
  
"No! Brutus! I was wearing a bullet proof vest! I live, and you are gone! I will go with you and die!" Octavius took a dagger and stabbed himself in the heart, and died with his hand on Brutus's crotch.  
  
Shakespeare jumped up and down, furious. "No! You shot the wrong guy!" He pointed to Caesar. "Him! Him! Kill him!" He shrieked as the marines shot Caesar.  
  
"Et tu, Marines? Then fall Caesar!"  
  
Caesar died and the marines left. Shakespeare was about to leave when he glanced at Octavius and Brutus. "Hmmm... I've got an idea!"  
  
"A tragedy, this is," said Yoda. "Two lovers, dead because of the fight between their families. In their deaths, the families have been brought together." 


End file.
